So Help Me God – Part 1

The motion detectors turned on the lights. Less than a second later and the dog started barking. I got out of bed and looked. Jimmy was standing on the back patio next to the barbeque grill. His arm was raised shielding his eyes from the sudden bright light. His t-shirt was torn at the right shoulder and there was blood on the blue legs of his jeans. I grabbed the blue, plaid bathrobe I hate and put it on.

“Jimmy! ‘What the fuck are you doing,” I said from inside the bedroom as I opened the sliding glass patio door. Motioned him inside. He walked into the bedroom.

“Man I fucked up big time and need your help,” he said something like that. He was moving back and forth from side to side as if he were expecting the hand of god to strike him down at any moment and he needed to be coiled like a rattlesnake ready to move in an instant. Jimmy was usually Mr. Calm, this was opposite Jimmy. This is the guy I have known since grammar school. The guy who has talked more panties onto the bedroom floor than anyone I will ever know. His confidence and good looks introduced him to their hearts. But his intense concentration on them and nothing else melted their hearts.

‘What happened,’ I asked.

‘Can’t tell you, can’t tell you … but it’s really bad man, trust me on that … it’s really fucking bad.’ He was talking to me in a rapid fire, adrenaline pumped manner. ‘The cops, the cops are gonna question you. About me, so I can’t tell you nothing … can’t tell you nothing … can’t tell you nothing.’ He kept repeating that over and over like some retarded kid remembering the chorus to their favourite song.

My wife rolled over in bed and opened her eyes. She rubbed them for just a moment, then spoke. ‘Will someone please tell me why there is a convicted felon in my bedroom talking to my husband at…………..1:47 AM,’ she asked.

‘Jimmy, did you kill someone’ I asked. I figured let’s start at the top and work our way down. Ten commandments sorted in descending order of fuck up. Yep, start at murder always. If I get down to ‘Thou shalt not covet’ without a hit, then I send him home.

‘No, don’t think so … no, pretty certain it wasn’t fatal. He shot himself in the foot’ he told me. Yep those were his exact words. ‘He shot himself in the foot.’ Jimmy was very clear about it, he never shot anyone.

‘Throw me a robe’ my wife ordered. ‘Sure thing baby.’ She had been sleeping naked with me after making love. We haven’t been married that long. It’s the salad days of marriage when everything is thrilling and the sex is frequent and kinda kinky. I tossed her a nice short red silk robe. She’d need panties with that one. But she would know what I wanted later – her. She pulled it under the sheet and put it on.

Wife got up and went to the drawer for panties then on into the kitchen. She promised to put on a pot of coffee. I heard cabinet doors and water running in the sink.

I had to get to the bottom of the situation quickly. ‘What do you need from me?’ Why not start where I can, right?
‘Need some money. Can you help me out?’

You know how it is. You have known this person for years, you know their habits, their tastes in beer and women. We were best friends in high school. I went off to college, he stayed here. But you already know all of that so I won’t bore you with it. But yeah I heard Jimmy got in trouble with the law while I was in college. But I didn’t pay it no mind. Jimmy was not much for rules anyway. What was it? Oh yeah, 183 plants. In some warehouse out on some back county road. If I remember correctly the DA bargained it down to 24 plants and a lower class felony, one that avoids Florida’s Mandatory Minimum Sentencing Laws for Marihuana. Wasn’t he in the for weeks hospital and threatening a police brutality case? The DA settled with marking Jimmy for life. Records everywhere would show the conviction and life would now be three times harder for Jimmy. No decent jobs. No mortgage. No credit. Yep, Jimmy got fucked. Welcome to a cash existence.

I think Jimmy is working over at the muffler shop off Turnball Road. The one with that big blue sign and the Jesus billboard looking down on you when you drive past … yeah the one with the follow-you-everywhere eyes.
So I told Jimmy ‘Sure, bro. I can give you all the cash in the house.’

Normally that wouldn’t be more than $100 tops, but my wife’s birthday is a few weeks away and I have been squirreling a little bit of money for her present every time I go to the ATM, so I had just over $700 in cash. This is one of my best friends and he asks me for money. Of course I am going to give it to him.

I asked him again, ‘Did you hurt anyone?’

‘No, he shot himself in the foot. Not me. I didn’t do it.’ Those were his exact words or something pretty damned close to it.

I walked over to the dresser and pulled a bank envelop from inside a pair of socks in a drawer. I gave him the money. Hundreds mostly. I had a couple of twenties I gave him too. I think I told him ‘don’t spent it all in one place’ or something stupid like that. He gave me a hug, one of those manly chest bump sort of hugs. Guess I could have gotten some of the blood from his jeans onto my robe when that happened, not really sure. We can go look if you want. Oh right … .

My wife brought us a couple of mugs of coffee and handed Jimmy a thermos full of the rest of the brew. He thanked her and kissed her on the cheek. This was unusual for him, as he doesn’t really like her. He resents that she has me all to herself and I am not out on the streets with him chasing pussy anymore. Oh well. We grew apart as friends long before I met her. Guess he sees it differently.

I gave him a leather jacket, in case it got cold. Yeah fat chance here in Florida. I told him that I would go with him to the police or he could wait here and we would call his lawyer in the morning and then go to the police with him. He wasn’t interested.

‘Not sure I can go with that. I don’t trust him. If he can figure out how to blame me, then I will be in prison for sure’ that’s what he said, as far as I can remember.

I don’t have any credit cards, except one. So I didn’t have any I could give him. My wife and I have over $30,000 in student loans. We have one credit card account with a balance of just over 8 grand on it. Ain’t much to give him, but I did what I could. You can check … oh yeah …

He thanked me again and then he left out the back. Said he had parked on the next street over. Yeah, the lot behind the house is empty and filled with trees. I showed him where I installed the gate in the back fence so he wouldn’t need to climb over it again. After he closed the back gate, we never saw him again. My wife and I went back to bed until we got up to go to work the next morning. The sex was great.

I leaned back in the chair. ‘So am I under arrest or am I free to go? I have told you everything I know’ (your move motherfucker)


Part 2: